Vulnerable ≠ Weak

I'm in two minds about putting this up, mainly because it's a bit too personal and too 'bare-all' for my liking. However, as this is a blog to house my experiences, from the mundane to the not-so-mundane, I suppose I should really put it up in the hopes that someone out there who feels the same as I do, won't feel quite as alone as I do. So, I guess without further ado, in the hopes that you will find comfort...here goes...

I don't really cry...not in public anyway, but something happened on my way home that just made me realise just how vulnerable I can be and I began to feel emotional on the bus home from my weekly volunteering at the Shooting Star Fundraising Office. No, I didn't give into the temptation of letting the floodgates open - I would never have been able to live with myself if I did - but what made me feel so broken, was the simple act of tripping on a kerb I didn't see in time because I was too busy walking to avoid a car pulling out and adjusting my torch.

It's silly, I know, but I've been encountering events that have chipped away at my confidence to function at night/low-light while my eyes are still working okay. I mean, I've tripped up in the past and I've usually chalked it up to clumsiness, but now that I know there's something wrong with me...I just wonder if the signs have been there all along. However, nearly a month ago now, I fell off the bus because I couldn't see the gap between it and the kerb, and hurt my foot in the process by landing on it quite badly...I don't think I broke anything, but it aches a little now and again. I didn't quite realise what had happened and sort of sat there in a daze, when a woman who had seen me fall lifted me up to my feet and continued on with her family as I limped to the nearby bus shelter.

The event was followed a few weeks later by missing the last step on the second-to-last flight of stairs. I had attended a meeting with my boss at a heritage site - Ham House - and I understand that they don't use lights in case of damage, but unfortunately the natural light didn't help much. I landed on my other foot this time, but luckily it didn't hurt as much. The incident with the kerb happened a week later, and it dawned on me as I sat on the bus home, that I'll never be able to function efficiently at all soon. Sure, there's treatments in development, but I'm not really all too keen in having cybernetic implants that require an external power source...maybe something a little discreet perhaps? I can't believe I'm being vain about this...I guess it's the girl in me, seeing as I'm quite butch in my thought processes otherwise. Anyway, by the time I need them, therapies and treatments may have been perfected - so bright side!



Thinking about it though, while I do have a vulnerability that will only get worse, it by no means imply that I am weak...at least I hope so. The two a different entities to me; vulnerable being physical and weak being mental. Superman, whom I do adore, is vulnerable to Kryptonite, but he is by no means weak...gosh, I cannot believe I went there...but it comforts me to know that. The same could be said about Batman...despite their vulnerabilities, they continue to do what they do. Ah okay, enough with the geeky comic-book references!

Having said all that, I have to disclose that more recently, I was helping out with the Christmas Lights event my boss organises each year on the street our offices are located on. Obviously, to see Christmas Lights you need darkness. I was doing okay all night, but towards the end when I was heading back to the office, I decided to bypass the crowd in the square where a crowd had gathered for the Punch and Judy show, and aimed to take a shortcut. I turned into it, only to end up bumping into a female police officer, who it could be argued also bumped into me. She came right out my blindspot, and her wearing all black didn't help either - the exchange sort of went like this:

Me: "Oh! I'm so sorry!"
Her: "What do you think you're doing?!"
Me: "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to-"
Her: "You walked right into me! What do you think you're doing?!"
Me: 'Do I tell her about my condition? No...she'll think it's too convenient given the circumstance...' "I...I'm really sorry..."
Her:"...Fine, next time watch where you're going!"

All true, word for word. You can imagine how that made me feel right? I'm all for the police; I respect what they do, but is that really any way for them to act? I know I should expect reactions like this from people, but...I never expected it from someone in an authoritative position, even though I know there are those who let their job/position get to their heads. I felt awful and the incident really knocked my confidence.

I went back to the office and my boss was trying to talk to me, but all I could think about was what had happened and I started getting weepy. I tried so hard to contain it, but she was concerned and sat me down to talk about what had happened - she knows about my condition, so it makes it easier to talk about it. Based on my description of the officer, she deduced it was a particular one who frequently caused trouble, but just to make sure, she asked her husband (also my boss) who had been in the area. He confirmed that he had seen the officer, and that they had filed complaints in the past - I think I might just file a new one.

It's disgusting, when I think about it. Regardless of her being a police officer, people shouldn't act that way. I was raised to be polite and I hope it shows in my speech and mannerisms - I know that there are people who aren't as disciplined. Though, what can I do? As a friend of mine put it - one I haven't told my condition to yet:

"We each have more power than we know to influence the lives of those around us, as Spider-Man will tell you, 'With great power, comes great responsibility,' Some people don't appreciate this - these people are dicks,"