No appointment today. My mum was on the phone for half an hour - you have to call from 8.30am for same-day appointments - only to be told that they were fully booked. So she's thinking of probably booking in advance for next week once she gets her rota tomorrow.
Again...I don't know what to feel. A part of me is kind of relieved, but my mother was so looking forward to it that a part of me feels down about it, despite me not being keen on the idea. I feel like I'm going ahead with this for her sake, rather than mine - she wants to sit in on the sessions, but there's no way I can talk openly while she's there. Perhaps, I should suggest that she talk to someone about how she feels...because, while we are close, we don't have that kind of relationship.
I've never talked to her about my feelings where I'm concerned, but always on other things. As far as she's always known, I'm a well-adjusted person...but truthfully, I'm far from it...well it feels that way. I've lived my life according to her standards; I've always been there for her, putting my needs and feelings on the side to make way for her. She isn't demanding in that way, but she's invested more emotional time in her sons than she has me...it's probably why I find it hard to talk about my feelings, and as a result I'm not as emotional as I should be. I do feel emotions, but often...I don't know how to convey them. I don't know, it's hard for me to put it into words...
But anyway, the person she thinks I am is not who I am, and in the past when I've tried to show her the real me...she doesn't seem to like it. So, I wonder if because of my condition, she's only just starting to realise this and doesn't know how to approach me, so she wants me to have someone to talk to. But...my whole life it's been that way; my only companion is me...I've had to figure out and deal with things by myself because she was never there, which is why I have a constant conflict within myself between my immaturity and my maturity.
The one person I feel that I could have talked to openly about this...isn't around anymore, and the friends that I do have, I don't see or hear enough from to even consider using them as a sounding board. Then again, I'm happy to enjoy what I have while I still can, so I don't really want to bog anyone down with all this stuff. I just want to hold onto 'normalcy' until I can't anymore.
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Therapy for my Condition
Yeah, I know I said that I'd have heaps of posts up ages ago...but I just haven't got around to them. It's all down to me being lazy, but I hope to have something else up soon.
In the meantime, this here is a post regarding my condition. For some time now, my mother's been suggesting that I make an appointment with the doctor so I can talk about my condition and get some information on how to deal with it, since it worries her that I have no-one to talk to about it. I mean that's the downside to having a rare condition - not a lot of people have it and because of that, there aren't many support groups in, what would be for me, a conveniently accessible area. I don't like travelling too far from home just to go somewhere for an hour, and since I live on the outskirts of the countryside and city, it makes it a little harder for me when you factor in petrol prices and public transport costs.
Tomorrow, my mother has the day off and suggested to me yesterday that she'll make the appointment and come with me to the doctor's because I mentioned to her about my goals and ambitions sometime last week, and my fear of not being able to accomplish them due to the time limit I have. I don't even know how long I have before I'm no longer in a position to do the things I want to, and so I don't really want to waste time doing things that won't help me in those goals. It doesn't help that I work 4 days a week, volunteer 1 day a week and my weekends and any free time I have are used working on small things and catching up with my TV. I think it's time for a timetable or something, you know, like allocate an hour or so a day doing something like working on my would-be novels and comics? Yeah, I think that'll help...it just requires me to discipline myself and gather whatever source of motivation there is within myself. It kind of worked last year, until I hit Artist's Block...
Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about my appointment tomorrow...I mean, just what can the doctor do? The specialist that diagnosed me, in retrospect, did a crappy job. All he had to say was that I should "Prepare for the future," and ushered us out the door, without so much as providing us with reading material on how to deal with the inevitable or information on support groups. I guess I'm pretty angry about this, I mean, he practically threw me into the deep end and left me alone to learn how to float. So far I've been doing okay, I think...but then, I wouldn't know. I might feel like I'm doing fine, but someone else may think I'm not. It's true that I don't talk about my feelings on the matter; it's mainly because I don't want to come off like someone hunting for sympathy. I don't want to be one of those people that sits on their ass crying about their lot in life and how useless it all is - sometimes I feel that way, but then I shake myself out of it. That's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be. I want to be proud of my life and to not have any regrets.
Another reason why I don't talk about it is, because I don't want anyone to worry...especially my mother. Her health isn't the best, and she has more than enough things to worry about - she doesn't need me whining about my situation. But then, I also understand that while for me it feels like I'm being strong, my silence on the issue may worry her because she has no idea how I'm coping and whether my answers are honest or not when she does pluck up the courage to broach the topic.
More than anything though, when it comes to my mother, I don't want her to feel helpless or start blaming herself. My condition isn't anyone's fault...it just happens to be what happened. There was no way for anyone to know that this was going to happen, especially since no-one's ever been diagnosed with this in our family before. I wish I had some magic phrase that could make her feel better and know that this is something that I will never complain about. I might curse it and there will be times where I just want to self-destruct, but ultimately...I don't blame anyone for it and it's just one of those things I'll have to adapt to and deal with at some point.
Going back to the topic of support groups - I don't know if that's something I'd consider joining. If I were to, it's not sympathy I'm looking for or a self-esteem boost...what I do want is some life experience; someone who's going through this to share with me their views and experiences and how they dealt with it. I say this because, I joined a support group on FaceBook and frankly...while the people are nice, I don't feel like they're helping all that much. I wrote about that incident with the police woman and all I got were floods of sympathy and pats on the backs, but nothing to actually help me deal with it for the future.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...I'll definitely be writing about it.
In the meantime, this here is a post regarding my condition. For some time now, my mother's been suggesting that I make an appointment with the doctor so I can talk about my condition and get some information on how to deal with it, since it worries her that I have no-one to talk to about it. I mean that's the downside to having a rare condition - not a lot of people have it and because of that, there aren't many support groups in, what would be for me, a conveniently accessible area. I don't like travelling too far from home just to go somewhere for an hour, and since I live on the outskirts of the countryside and city, it makes it a little harder for me when you factor in petrol prices and public transport costs.
Tomorrow, my mother has the day off and suggested to me yesterday that she'll make the appointment and come with me to the doctor's because I mentioned to her about my goals and ambitions sometime last week, and my fear of not being able to accomplish them due to the time limit I have. I don't even know how long I have before I'm no longer in a position to do the things I want to, and so I don't really want to waste time doing things that won't help me in those goals. It doesn't help that I work 4 days a week, volunteer 1 day a week and my weekends and any free time I have are used working on small things and catching up with my TV. I think it's time for a timetable or something, you know, like allocate an hour or so a day doing something like working on my would-be novels and comics? Yeah, I think that'll help...it just requires me to discipline myself and gather whatever source of motivation there is within myself. It kind of worked last year, until I hit Artist's Block...
Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about my appointment tomorrow...I mean, just what can the doctor do? The specialist that diagnosed me, in retrospect, did a crappy job. All he had to say was that I should "Prepare for the future," and ushered us out the door, without so much as providing us with reading material on how to deal with the inevitable or information on support groups. I guess I'm pretty angry about this, I mean, he practically threw me into the deep end and left me alone to learn how to float. So far I've been doing okay, I think...but then, I wouldn't know. I might feel like I'm doing fine, but someone else may think I'm not. It's true that I don't talk about my feelings on the matter; it's mainly because I don't want to come off like someone hunting for sympathy. I don't want to be one of those people that sits on their ass crying about their lot in life and how useless it all is - sometimes I feel that way, but then I shake myself out of it. That's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be. I want to be proud of my life and to not have any regrets.
Another reason why I don't talk about it is, because I don't want anyone to worry...especially my mother. Her health isn't the best, and she has more than enough things to worry about - she doesn't need me whining about my situation. But then, I also understand that while for me it feels like I'm being strong, my silence on the issue may worry her because she has no idea how I'm coping and whether my answers are honest or not when she does pluck up the courage to broach the topic.
More than anything though, when it comes to my mother, I don't want her to feel helpless or start blaming herself. My condition isn't anyone's fault...it just happens to be what happened. There was no way for anyone to know that this was going to happen, especially since no-one's ever been diagnosed with this in our family before. I wish I had some magic phrase that could make her feel better and know that this is something that I will never complain about. I might curse it and there will be times where I just want to self-destruct, but ultimately...I don't blame anyone for it and it's just one of those things I'll have to adapt to and deal with at some point.
Going back to the topic of support groups - I don't know if that's something I'd consider joining. If I were to, it's not sympathy I'm looking for or a self-esteem boost...what I do want is some life experience; someone who's going through this to share with me their views and experiences and how they dealt with it. I say this because, I joined a support group on FaceBook and frankly...while the people are nice, I don't feel like they're helping all that much. I wrote about that incident with the police woman and all I got were floods of sympathy and pats on the backs, but nothing to actually help me deal with it for the future.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...I'll definitely be writing about it.
Thursday 10 March 2011
Mind = BLOWN #001
We all know the phrase:
"I before E, except after C,"
...
It's a lie. A horrible, horrible lie. My World has been turned upside down! You don't believe me? Here's the phrase to prove it:
"Seize the Day,"
I know...I don't know what's real anymore...
I'm sure there will be other instances where my mind will be blown, so this is just #001. In other news, I have been working on some new posts. They'll be up soon...I promise.
As soon as I get over this revelation...
EDIT
Okay...I may have been over-dramatic, but I took some time to calm down and eased myself into realising the many discrepancies Spelling has, like Glacier and Neighbour...and so much more. Why did someone come up with that phrase anyway?
"I before E, except after C,"
...
It's a lie. A horrible, horrible lie. My World has been turned upside down! You don't believe me? Here's the phrase to prove it:
"Seize the Day,"
I know...I don't know what's real anymore...
I'm sure there will be other instances where my mind will be blown, so this is just #001. In other news, I have been working on some new posts. They'll be up soon...I promise.
As soon as I get over this revelation...
EDIT
Okay...I may have been over-dramatic, but I took some time to calm down and eased myself into realising the many discrepancies Spelling has, like Glacier and Neighbour...and so much more. Why did someone come up with that phrase anyway?
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