No appointment today. My mum was on the phone for half an hour - you have to call from 8.30am for same-day appointments - only to be told that they were fully booked. So she's thinking of probably booking in advance for next week once she gets her rota tomorrow.
Again...I don't know what to feel. A part of me is kind of relieved, but my mother was so looking forward to it that a part of me feels down about it, despite me not being keen on the idea. I feel like I'm going ahead with this for her sake, rather than mine - she wants to sit in on the sessions, but there's no way I can talk openly while she's there. Perhaps, I should suggest that she talk to someone about how she feels...because, while we are close, we don't have that kind of relationship.
I've never talked to her about my feelings where I'm concerned, but always on other things. As far as she's always known, I'm a well-adjusted person...but truthfully, I'm far from it...well it feels that way. I've lived my life according to her standards; I've always been there for her, putting my needs and feelings on the side to make way for her. She isn't demanding in that way, but she's invested more emotional time in her sons than she has me...it's probably why I find it hard to talk about my feelings, and as a result I'm not as emotional as I should be. I do feel emotions, but often...I don't know how to convey them. I don't know, it's hard for me to put it into words...
But anyway, the person she thinks I am is not who I am, and in the past when I've tried to show her the real me...she doesn't seem to like it. So, I wonder if because of my condition, she's only just starting to realise this and doesn't know how to approach me, so she wants me to have someone to talk to. But...my whole life it's been that way; my only companion is me...I've had to figure out and deal with things by myself because she was never there, which is why I have a constant conflict within myself between my immaturity and my maturity.
The one person I feel that I could have talked to openly about this...isn't around anymore, and the friends that I do have, I don't see or hear enough from to even consider using them as a sounding board. Then again, I'm happy to enjoy what I have while I still can, so I don't really want to bog anyone down with all this stuff. I just want to hold onto 'normalcy' until I can't anymore.
Hm.. looks a lot like you haven't been posting at all for the past year. Or maybe you shifted to another blog?
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, I'm just one of those unearthly visitors. I checked up on your condition. Sure sounds like an annoying condition, with the possibility of being blind there. So, don't mind me too much, just passing through. Haha.
I must admit that I don't have a clue as to what you're going through, but I do understand the feeling of not being able to talk to anyone about stuff. For me, my solution was to blog about it. Just to see if someone cares at all. If not, at least it lifts away this great pressure from above my shoulders.
Also saw you DA account. Cool stuff. Keep at it girl! And uh.. I'm sure one of these days your mom will understand somehow, assuming she haven't already.
Yeah.. bye.