UPDATE: Therapy for my Condition

No appointment today. My mum was on the phone for half an hour - you have to call from 8.30am for same-day appointments - only to be told that they were fully booked. So she's thinking of probably booking in advance for next week once she gets her rota tomorrow.

Again...I don't know what to feel. A part of me is kind of relieved, but my mother was so looking forward to it that a part of me feels down about it, despite me not being keen on the idea. I feel like I'm going ahead with this for her sake, rather than mine - she wants to sit in on the sessions, but there's no way I can talk openly while she's there. Perhaps, I should suggest that she talk to someone about how she feels...because, while we are close, we don't have that kind of relationship.

I've never talked to her about my feelings where I'm concerned, but always on other things. As far as she's always known, I'm a well-adjusted person...but truthfully, I'm far from it...well it feels that way. I've lived my life according to her standards; I've always been there for her, putting my needs and feelings on the side to make way for her. She isn't demanding in that way, but she's invested more emotional time in her sons than she has me...it's probably why I find it hard to talk about my feelings, and as a result I'm not as emotional as I should be. I do feel emotions, but often...I don't know how to convey them. I don't know, it's hard for me to put it into words...

But anyway, the person she thinks I am is not who I am, and in the past when I've tried to show her the real me...she doesn't seem to like it. So, I wonder if because of my condition, she's only just starting to realise this and doesn't know how to approach me, so she wants me to have someone to talk to. But...my whole life it's been that way; my only companion is me...I've had to figure out and deal with things by myself because she was never there, which is why I have a constant conflict within myself between my immaturity and my maturity.

The one person I feel that I could have talked to openly about this...isn't around anymore, and the friends that I do have, I don't see or hear enough from to even consider using them as a sounding board. Then again, I'm happy to enjoy what I have while I still can, so I don't really want to bog anyone down with all this stuff. I just want to hold onto 'normalcy' until I can't anymore.

Therapy for my Condition

Yeah, I know I said that I'd have heaps of posts up ages ago...but I just haven't got around to them. It's all down to me being lazy, but I hope to have something else up soon.

In the meantime, this here is a post regarding my condition. For some time now, my mother's been suggesting that I make an appointment with the doctor so I can talk about my condition and get some information on how to deal with it, since it worries her that I have no-one to talk to about it. I mean that's the downside to having a rare condition - not a lot of people have it and because of that, there aren't many support groups in, what would be for me, a conveniently accessible area. I don't like travelling too far from home just to go somewhere for an hour, and since I live on the outskirts of the countryside and city, it makes it a little harder for me when you factor in petrol prices and public transport costs.

Tomorrow, my mother has the day off and suggested to me yesterday that she'll make the appointment and come with me to the doctor's because I mentioned to her about my goals and ambitions sometime last week, and my fear of not being able to accomplish them due to the time limit I have. I don't even know how long I have before I'm no longer in a position to do the things I want to, and so I don't really want to waste time doing things that won't help me in those goals. It doesn't help that I work 4 days a week, volunteer 1 day a week and my weekends and any free time I have are used working on small things and catching up with my TV. I think it's time for a timetable or something, you know, like allocate an hour or so a day doing something like working on my would-be novels and comics? Yeah, I think that'll help...it just requires me to discipline myself and gather whatever source of motivation there is within myself. It kind of worked last year, until I hit Artist's Block...

Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about my appointment tomorrow...I mean, just what can the doctor do? The specialist that diagnosed me, in retrospect, did a crappy job. All he had to say was that I should "Prepare for the future," and ushered us out the door, without so much as providing us with reading material on how to deal with the inevitable or information on support groups. I guess I'm pretty angry about this, I mean, he practically threw me into the deep end and left me alone to learn how to float. So far I've been doing okay, I think...but then, I wouldn't know. I might feel like I'm doing fine, but someone else may think I'm not. It's true that I don't talk about my feelings on the matter; it's mainly because I don't want to come off like someone hunting for sympathy. I don't want to be one of those people that sits on their ass crying about their lot in life and how useless it all is - sometimes I feel that way, but then I shake myself out of it. That's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be. I want to be proud of my life and to not have any regrets.

Another reason why I don't talk about it is, because I don't want anyone to worry...especially my mother. Her health isn't the best, and she has more than enough things to worry about - she doesn't need me whining about my situation. But then, I also understand that while for me it feels like I'm being strong, my silence on the issue may worry her because she has no idea how I'm coping and whether my answers are honest or not when she does pluck up the courage to broach the topic.

More than anything though, when it comes to my mother, I don't want her to feel helpless or start blaming herself. My condition isn't anyone's fault...it just happens to be what happened. There was no way for anyone to know that this was going to happen, especially since no-one's ever been diagnosed with this in our family before. I wish I had some magic phrase that could make her feel better and know that this is something that I will never complain about. I might curse it and there will be times where I just want to self-destruct, but ultimately...I don't blame anyone for it and it's just one of those things I'll have to adapt to and deal with at some point.

Going back to the topic of support groups - I don't know if that's something I'd consider joining. If I were to, it's not sympathy I'm looking for or a self-esteem boost...what I do want is some life experience; someone who's going through this to share with me their views and experiences and how they dealt with it. I say this because, I joined a support group on FaceBook and frankly...while the people are nice, I don't feel like they're helping all that much. I wrote about that incident with the police woman and all I got were floods of sympathy and pats on the backs, but nothing to actually help me deal with it for the future.

We'll see how tomorrow goes...I'll definitely be writing about it.

Mind = BLOWN #001

We all know the phrase:

"I before E, except after C,"


...

It's a lie. A horrible, horrible lie. My World has been turned upside down! You don't believe me? Here's the phrase to prove it:

"Seize the Day,"


I know...I don't know what's real anymore...

I'm sure there will be other instances where my mind will be blown, so this is just #001. In other news, I have been working on some new posts. They'll be up soon...I promise.

As soon as I get over this revelation...

EDIT
Okay...I may have been over-dramatic, but I took some time to calm down and eased myself into realising the many discrepancies Spelling has, like Glacier and Neighbour...and so much more. Why did someone come up with that phrase anyway?

I Live! #000

I'm still here! I haven't disappeared from the face of the Earth!

This is something about me you'll come to expect quite often - long periods of inactivity. While I have nothing major, in terms of content, to report, I feel that I should make a log of what I've been up to.

I haven't exactly been dossing about; I've been catching up with my TV - the HD Box does fill up if I don't keep up-to-date with my shows. Perhaps I should write about my impressions? After all, I just finished Season 3 of Brothers and Sisters and I have a few thoughts about it...that's quite a good idea actually, though it's a little out of date since we're into Season 4 now, but to heck with it! That said, I may also write about Kara no Kyoukai, though it requires me to watch it again, which I would gladly do in a heartbeat! However, I do have a few posts lined up that require me to just sit my lazy butt down and write about it - they're all reviews, however, and two new recipes I tried out.

I have also been getting acquainted to my Saber Lily Dollfie, but haven't taken any pictures yet no put her on display until I can ger her some new digs. I'm petrified of her wig, which is a replacement since the one she came with fell apart, and so I'll be ordering two new ones - that aren't as fragile - in the coming weeks. I will also be making her a new outfit, since I don't want to keep her on display in her original outfit since it's too beautiful to get dirty. As I've already mentioned, I'm new to the hobby and more experienced collectors are probably rolling their eyes at my over-protectiveness...But it is nice to have a few clothing options, and I'm not exactly rolling in cash right now so I'll be trying my hand at sewing - something I was never any good at...

I recently bought a new DSLR Camera - a Nikon D3000 - and am slowly getting accustomed to it. Hang on! That's a post all by itself, so I'll be writing about that soon...perhaps I'll take the photos tonight and get to work on the post later on.

Well, since I'm not covering that aspect - despite having spoiled you on the surprise - I guess I'll round off my saying, that I've been working quite hard on collecting the online Trophies for certain PS3 titles. Right now, I'm working on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 and man does it stress me out...Wow, that's another post right there...what's happening?! I've been slowly chipping away at BlazBlue Continuum Shift and seriously need to get back to White Knight Chronicles. Super Street Fighter IV is also something I'm working on, but will probably get back into that after MW2.

Other than that...I don't think there's anything much to report further. Wow, I come to give an update to prove that I'm not dossing, and I come away with 3-4 new blog posts to work on - superb!

Review: White Knight Chronicles - 2nd Playthrough COMPLETE

I planned on writing this when I completed it the first time through, which was sometime last December, but then I thought it better to write it after my second since it was more epic that way and I would more certain of my points regarding the game. Also, I had my brother to bounce opinions off of, which were pretty much the same - they usually are, except he seems to be less harsh regarding certain aspects and bases his impressions on gameplay and graphics...I tend to be more critical of the story and characterisations; graphics play very little importance and gameplay fits somwhere in the middle.

After all, you could have an excellent game with crappy graphics and basic gameplay elements. Take for example, Broken Sword: The Shadow of the Templars. Your run of the mill point-and-click puzzle game, with nice graphics - albeit poor continuity with style when switching to animated cutscenes - and a rather interesting story with fun characters. You could hardly call it a bad game based on it's 2D graphics and simple gameplay when the story and characters prop it up to greater heights. Thus, it frustrates me when people in professional positions as reviewers or other fan-reviewers give a one-sided opinion, rather than combing through the whole. It disgusts me - yes, disgusts me - when praise is heaped onto a title that is, quite frankly, awful and the only thing going for it is the graphics and/or gameplay, or at worst it's associations to previous successful titles in the series or developer. If you haven't figured out my prime example from those hints, then you'll get your answer as soon as I can get that review out - currently it's at 5 pages and I need to do some trimming, or at least sectioning of it.

Anyway, that being said, let us move onto the main topic - White Knight Chronicles.

White Knight Chronicles I Opening - English

Addiction Woes

Why oh why do I have this addiction to video games? I just keep buying them and they take up space; I've barely played half the games I own. Life was different when I was a child and my mother was my sole source of income - I actually listened to the voice that said "No!", though it was rarely uttered. Now that I have a job, most of my income goes on games...but I don't buy one every week, it's more like once every month or so. Very infrequent, so I suppose I've been quite good about it, but time just flies and the next thing I know I'm barely half-way through the game I'm playing and another one I want to play is out...sometimes they come in three's...However, I only shell out retail price if my gut tells me the game is one of those ones people overlook the promise of and only order a few units, or if there's a Limited or Collector's Edition, otherwise I troll the internet and wait for prices to eventually drop.

Stars of Tees Maar Khan at Cineworld Feltham

As I write this, my neck is in pain - never has it been so stiff! - from standing close to an hour in the cold, with my mother, for an opportunity to meet Akshay Kumar...and a glimpse is all we got. We're quite disappointed, seeing as we could have been in better places...like the warmth of our house. My mother was quite excited and so was I, considering I've followed his career since my childhood - he was quite big in the early 90's, then disappeared for a really long time (details of which, I won't go into) before making his successful comeback in recent years. Akshay Kumar is a pretty big Bollywood actor and I have harboured a tiny crush on him since I was about 12(?) - I also think he could be Scott Bakula's Indian cousin or something, the two do look alike and I happen to have had a tiny crush on him too for about the same length of time.

  

Akshay Kumar (left) and Scott Bakula (right)...not that you needed me to point it out...

Not the best pictures I could find, but there is a resemblance...